Sleeping 101

I still remember the look on my wife’s face after our daughter slept through the night for the first time! As parents, we would do anything for our babies—so we suffer through the sleepless nights, learning to grin (or at least not frown) and bear it (or at least avoid a total breakdown).

When it comes to a child’s sleeping patterns, it all depends on the developmental stage. For the first 3 months, newborns are still quite upset about being outside the womb. They are scared and fragile, and they need their parents frequently and immediately. I agree wholeheartedly with what Dr. Harvey Karp wrote in The Happiest Baby on the Block: These little ones cannot be spoiled. So please go to them when they cry, hold them close, and do whatever it takes to reassure and comfort them. At this stage, they can’t form bad habits, so don’t worry about holding them too much.

But around 3.5 to 4 months old, you will see a change in their character. They will no longer only cry when they need something, they’ll start to fuss when they want something. They are growing up, they are developmentally ready to be more independent, and they are now capable of self-soothing. You may not be ready to let them be more independent, but I guarantee that the majority of babies are ready to learn how to sleep through the night by 4 months old.

Cycles of Sleep

All babies have sleep cycles that include periods of lighter sleep. When they come to the point when they are almost awake, they have a decision to make: Do I call for mommy, who brings comfort and food, or do I go back to sleep? You can guess which one they usually choose!

For the first 4 months, they actually may be hungry. I would err on the side of feeding them during these times, and I suggest avoiding all types of sleep training until they are a minimum of 4 months old. But after 4 months, they are not waking up after only 3 or 4 hours because their glucose levels are low. So, while I hate the idea of baby boot camp, I do think that most babies can be taught that night time is sleep time at this point.

Methods of Sleep Training

The Ferber method calls for a gradual approach. It involves going to your baby when he cries and soothing him with pats on the back, but not picking him up. But the majority of babies will get more excited, then riled up, and then livid if you come in the room but don’t pick them up. Pay careful attention to the way they fuss, and the type of cry. If they are not in pain (from illness or teething) and aren’t hungry (because they fed well less than 5 hours ago), it’s time to let them soothe themselves.

This means letting them cry it out. I acknowledge that this is going to be extremely difficult for you. Your instincts are going to tell you to pick up your baby! It will seem like the easiest and quickest way for the whole family (especially if there are older siblings involved) to return to bed. But there is definitely a critical period during which you can train your infant, and if you miss it, you will only dig yourself into a deeper hole. Many parents initially resist any sleep training, only to become desperate for a solution when the baby is 9 months old. At that point, it’s almost too late—your child now figures this is the way the game works. The way they see it, when they fuss, someone comes immediately to soothe them, so why change now!

Some nursing moms aren’t bothered by their baby co-sleeping and nursing periodically through the night. Even in these cases, the baby will feel more rested if they learned to sleep 9 to 10 hours in a row. The idea of sleep training is actually more difficult on the parents than the baby. I guarantee that your baby isn’t going to hold a grudge or feel like he isn’t loved during this time.

Sleep Training Specifics

When your baby is 4 months old, start paying attention to what time he goes to sleep and wakes. Start a nighttime routine and aim to put your baby to sleep at a certain time every night. The hour can depend on your baby’s cues or your own nighttime and morning routines.

Let your baby fuss or even cry it out if he wakes with less than 5 hours of sleep (unless he is sick or teething). Do not go to him; just start the timer. Twenty minutes should be your limit, as a longer time just isn’t realistic or constructive. In most cases, by 12 minutes, the peak of the crying is over, and your baby will then go back to sleep. Hopefully each night will be a little better, and if you stick with the plan, it usually doesn’t take longer than 10 nights for your baby to learn that nighttime is sleep time.

After that first waking each night, your baby may wake again a couple of hours later. Choose your battles depending on how old your baby is. If your 4- or 5-month-old is fully awake and screaming, go ahead and feed him. But if he is older than 6 months and it’s been less than 8 hours, I can assure you that he is not that hungry. If you do decide to feed the baby in this situation, it’ll be more for comfort than for nutrition. After a quick nursing or an ounce or two of formula, put the baby back to sleep immediately. He may even fall asleep on your shoulder before the feeding starts. The comfort is not a harmful thing, but it’s a sign that your baby can be taught to sleep longer.

Naps

Even when your baby learns to sleep through the night, you’ll still worry about whether he is sleeping enough in a 24-hour period. All babies need to take naps during the day. Learn your baby’s cues, and help him to sleep even when he thinks he doesn’t want to. This is easier said than done—babies will fight their naps and they can get over-tired and cranky, which makes it even more difficult to put them down. This is the norm, so don’t get too frustrated.

Aim for the full night of sleep—8 to 11 hours for most 6 month olds—and take what naps you can get. For those babies that sleep more at night, they’ll need less during the day. Some will take their naps right on schedule, and some will nap at random times. I don’t like to advise a minimum number of hours of sleep time because each child is different. I find that numbers stress parents out more than necessary.

Sleep Consultants

Sleep consultants have a role for the select few children that have real sleeping issues, or for the parents that really need firmer guidance. But I feel that consultants put out unrealistic numbers in terms of hours of sleep. Your pediatrician could just as easily provide you with the help you need. We’ll go over your numbers in an age-appropriate analysis and help guide you and your little one through the quest for more sleep!

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